Move Number Twenty

I'm packing. Again.

You can locate me at my new address here...

Ciao Bellas

You want?

SO apparently this is now a monthly ritual as opposed to an hourly one. Oh well, can't have everything I guess.

It seems I've lost all semblance of a reader base, so this should be quite the echo when I post it to the cyber world. Let's see... what is new in the world of Brittany.

I want to win a million dollars so I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night sweating profusely due to the realistic feeling nightmare pertaining to a life without a college degree, which includes a variety of actualizations including waiting table until I'm 60, becoming a receptionist for a hometown hardware store, and clown school, all of which are possible outcomes if my loans keep getting denied.

I want my family to freeze in time when I'm away so I don't have to experience soccer games being won and birthdays through phone calls and photographs.

I want to catch up with my studio work and impress the heck out of my oh-so-disappointed teachers. And I want to not be one of those people who mentions studio with loathing like so many others.

I want to just stop my life for 10 years and spend the entire time reading for pleasure AND academics.

I want to write such an amazing paper for my writing class that I can somehow hopefully make it amazing enough to get it published in a real, live academic journal. And I want to do that now as an undergrad.

I want to stop prefacing so many statements with the words "I want".

I want to buy a car, and not total this one.

So there's a sum of my recent wishes. Maybe I'll post again sometime =)

Guess who's back, back, back...

So I'm not deceased. Or kidnapped, or any other reason that would suffice to explain why I haven't posted a blog since the beginning of September. Why the leave of absence, you ask?

Life. It comes at you in so many ways, and I've been trying to enjoy each one.

Updates: School is still super challenging - hence the reason I'm madly in love. Almost donw with the semester. Family is still struggling, but adjusting to St. Louis. Love life is suddenly very interesting - *giggle giggle*. Best friends still rock my socks.

One of my lovely life lessons lately? Things are NEVER as bad as they seem like they will turn out to be right before. In architecture and other aspects of my life...

And guess who's on duty all of the holidays this year =(

My Mantra for Architecture

So I was checking out a few quotes I'd heard last year that I wanted to write in a quote book, and I stumbled upon this list. This Incomplete Manifesto by Bruce Mao is one that his studio applies to every single project they undertake in that creativity filled room they design in.

As I read through them, I realized that they don't just apply to Architecture, the apply to any activity one could undertake. Here are a few of my favorites...

1. Allow events to change you.
You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

3. Process is more important than outcome.
When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we've already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

6. Capture accidents
The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

10. Everyone is a leader.
Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.

16. Collaborate.
The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.

18. Stay up late.
Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.

21. Repeat yourself.
If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.

33. Take field trips.
The bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic–simulated environment.

The Beginning of the End

So school has begun again.

Ah, that fickle thing I love to love, and hate... There's nothing like the night before the first day of school. I'm making resolutions. You know how most people wait until the first of January? I think I need some in smaller increments - like once a semester, or breakdown..

List will ensue...

Later.

...confusion

So a friend of mine was reviewing my entire blog in one sitting because he didn't know it existed, and he shared something amusing with me.

He said, and I quote, "You sound so confused about how confused you are." Such a simple observation, yet so profound.


Hm.

Lost in Santa Monica

So I spent the majority of my time last night wandering around the ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier hoping I wouldn't have to sleep on the beach. What a way to spend a night. The one time I'm not working and I have the opportunity to relax, I'm so tense I stress out the 2 year old kids who walk by close enough to realize I'm insane.

Eventually I found a friend who was in town, regardless of the dead phone that was in my purse. We hung out, ate sushi, played so much air hockey that I woke up sore, and made sand angels until 3am. To top that, I climbed up and actual fire escape on an old 1920's apartment building in LA and finished the night off with tacos and Krispy Kreme. Yummy. Turned out to be a pretty awesome night =)

I might arrange another excursion into the unknown...
Anyone interested?

Hiatus

So much for updates.

If I said I simply haven't done anything interesting enough to participate in and report, I'd be a huge liar. This past month has been filled with so much... everything. Anticipation for the pending job; excitement to meet these students from all over the world; surprise at the new best friends I've made in Spain (come back soon); exhaustion from the 17 trips a day up and down three flights of stairs; contentment at the feeling of accomplishment every night/sunrise/morning. I can't even remember everything I've done this month.

But I do know this. Changes are in the wind...

BTW: I'm reading this great new series of books that I can't put down, the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. I'd compare it to the fanciful nature of Harry Potter, just not quite as intricate. Check it.

And I love my facebook now for the sheer fact that it's like the UN - so many countries and languages.

Foreign Relations

I am currently located in the computer lab sitting staring at a blank screen that I refuse to leave unless it's filled with the words I know I want to pour out. Life is moving by slowly, yet I can't remember when it became July.

I am officially back where I am supposed to be. I'm not just in the California state boundaries, I am back at school. Living in a dorm room with not nearly enough space. I already have a pile of laundry that rivals Mt. Everest and the bathroom that has only been inhabited by me for a week since May is beyond cluttered. It's good to be back.

So in my incessant effort to organize my life, I'm going to list the state of things (once again) because it helps me to feel like I actually have a bit of control. Bear with me if you've had to endure this before - basically anyone who's read more than a weeks worth of blog entries..

I am living in North Hall once again, in a single room (closet) that is the only inhabited room in the top two floors. The other 3 R.A's are living on the first floor. Yay for dark hallways with monsters in the shadows at night. I'm still in the process of organizing my belongings , but that won't be too necessary as I'll be moving to South Hall in a month, and back to North Hall again for the school year. Good thing I've had practice, I guess.

For work we've had a meeting each day, usually only for an hour or two each time. And every meeting I feel like I'm that much more unsure of what I've gotten myself into. I'm supposed to be an activity leader and a resident adviser - basically a package camp counselor. The kids are ages 10 to 24, from a foreign country such as Italy, Russia, China, etc.. and they take ESL classes in the mornings. From noon to midnight I get to entertain them, eat with them, and walk the hallways.

After a while the kids I'm supposed to be entertaining and watching over sound more and more like inhuman demons rather than foreign minors. The need for a supervisor at meal times to ensure that no food fights ensue is disconcerting in the least, and I'm hoping the nerf guns are a joke and not a required part of our safety as a staff member. Seriously.. there are nerf guns. God help me.

Aside from the scary part, I get to play games with them, paint faces, teach them a bit of english along the way, swim with them, etc... basically anything to distract them from realizing they are in America essentially unsupervised by parentals. The best part is the fact that even though most of these kids are from foreign countries where they start drinking at the age of 12 - and even when there is an age restriction it excludes beer and wine - I get to be the one who takes the alcohol/cigarettes/drugs from them and tell them to go to sleep at the ungodly hour of 11pm. Seriously, can i have an escort please? I'm still not convinced that the extra security guard the school hired is for the minor's safety and not ours.

Oh, and apparently each and every one of them will develop a crush on each of the staff members. This can only end badly.

Bring on the first 134 students.

Deeper Trenches Lie Beneath

The twin is moving. 

She just returned from a long visit to her friends in Oregon and sat down with Dandelion and I to inform us that being there changed so much about her perspective on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness and she's moving there. She's going to live with a friend's family, work at a preschool, and enjoy life out of the fast lane. 

This really is a bittersweet decision - for me, I mean. 

First, I'm ecstatic that she is getting out of the desert. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but when you find the friends and groups we have up here, you kind of get really settled in and don't want to leave. This is fine if you are where you're going to be for the rest of your life (figuratively) but is not so good if there's more out of life you need to get to. She made the decision all alone as well. This is something we have all had a tough time accomplishing in our little group, and we'll ask everybody else what they think we should do instead of deciding for ourselves. But not this time. She did this without the help of anyone else, and I'm so proud of her for it.

I'm just sad about her going so far, that's all. Pertaining to distance, it's not that far. I just know that I can't even spare time to visit my friends and family who live mere hours away, so how will I ever have time to see her? 

A lot of this shone some much needed light and perspective on a deeper issue, though. I really am alone in Los Angeles. Not like I don't have anyone to turn to for help, or friends. I have an amazing support system filled with lots and lots of love. I just mean that my actual family is so far away, and friends are great, but they have no obligation to me and need to do what's right for their own lives, not think about mine. 

So this is what growing up feels like, huh? Well, I'm not gonna say it's not a brick in the face, but it's real at least. And I pledged to start paying attention and to start feeling what's real, no matter how inconvenient it is for me.

Ouch.

Redundance

I need a new hobby. 

I've read all of my books and have found that by completing one book I will inevitably find a(n) author/subject/genre that inspires a need to read at least 5 more books. This is not healthy. Or helpful to my financial position in life. And who reads library books anyways? Not me. I hate it when they yell at me with those sophisticated glasses and mean voices that never seem to rise above a whisper. I just like to write in the margins, nothing more. Geez, you'd think they would appreciate my opinions while reading.

Drawing gets old when you've sketched the same flat desert scene and tumbleweed 17 times. Plus it gives me an excuse when my studio professors say my drawing doesn't convey my idea convincingly enough. 

The internet has so much to offer that it is therefore useless to me unless I know EXACTLY what I want to look up or learn about.

I've read so many blogs that I now know I am officially the worst writer ever to grace our screens.

Exercise. Ha. You're funny.

And for some reason, every time I try to talk to a stranger figuring I'll make a new friend, they do this sketchy looking around thing and often check their phones and watches saying, "Oh look at that! I've gotta go." and then jump in their cars locking their doors quite obviously... How rude.

Third post of the day. This is pathetic. Somebody incapacitate me.

Glamorous Jade - Party of One

I've spent a couple days with my best friend Dandelion now and I adore being with her because she makes me think. The first time I met her - before even asking her name - I said "You smile a lot. I like you. (turning to my other best friend) Can we adopt her?" I was under the mistaken impression that just because she was younger she would be almost like a younger version of us, or maybe she'd learn or grow into our little mold we had worked so long to create. 

But I was mistaken. She is the wisest of my friends, quite possibly the wisest of anyone I know - regardless of age. And it continually amazes me how genuine she can be. When she looks at you it's like everyone else is peering through a thin sheet of tainted or judgmental fabric and she's the only one without it. She speaks her mind without censor, yet is never mean or rude. And her craving to learn more inspires you to always search for more.

Honesty and innocent looks create the world you enter when you meet this darling woman. And in my attempt to become a better person I have placed her in my collection of those I look up to. Just proves age is truly a number. Check her out here. You'll see what I mean.

My Epiphany

Have you ever had a moment where you simply come to the conclusion that, regardless of how you truly feel about yourself, that's what you got, what you're stuck with? I have.

I came to the realization that no matter how much I don't want to be some things, or how much I wish I were others, some things in life are non-negotiable. Like life has this 'no returns' policy, with or without receipt. For example: No matter how much I want to be calm and shy instead of loud and obnoxious , I can't. It doesn't matter if I want it because of some dire necessity like my mother can't be around crazy chaos and madness constantly and I need to change the way I am in order to take care of her and be around her, or if I simply wish I wasn't so crazy for some selfish reasons like wanting to make someone like me more or not wanting to stand out and be known as 'that girl'. Either way, it's not a viable option for me. I can try as much as I might, and I'd probably pull it off for a bit. But the moment something happens that makes me truly happy, like seeing a friend for the first time after months of separation and life, I can't mask that bubbly, bouncy, fast-talking, spaz of a girl that I am. It's just me. And I like it. Except when it causes others to feel uncomfortable.

And it's the same for what I wish I was. Sometimes it's superficial - wanting to be a little bit shorter so I'm not the giant or the one that people notice first; wanting to be the sweet girl that people say is TOO nice; wanting to be the person with the potential, not the one who learns everything from books. I can't change the inherent qualities about myself. 

Besides. The majority of these things are based off of other people's impressions. And I have NEVER been one to care about what others think of me or perceive me as. No - actually that isn't true. I always care what other people think, but when I can't do anything about it, why try? I mean, according to about 99% of the people I have met in my lifetime, I leave one of two impressions upon first meetings: I'm either a mean and sarcastic witch, or I'm a naive and innocent ditz who cares more about matching colors and how sparkly my makeup is than about important issues of the world. And both of these have some thread of truth to them. There are moments where I say the first thing that comes to mind and it's something inherently mean - even if honest - or rude; or when I give my appearance a bit too much credit and focus on that rather than something more beneficial. But as even the most basic and simple of beings often feel misunderstood or wronged every now and then, can't everyone just get that I'm so much more than what I appear to be? 

I guess everyone feels misunderstood and alone, right? Everyone is deeper than anyone else can see and if only they could find that one person to just accept them and believe in all the qualities that aren't obvious, yes? I'm not looking for this. I'm happy being who I am with or without others. And I don't suffer under the delusion that I am unique in this rant or ideal; I just don't know anyone else who comes with a disclaimer. When the people who know and love you have to warn other newbies that while you may appear 'insert negative quality here' upon first impression, that you aren't and they should keep their minds open to fully understand you, there is a sense of real world understanding that must not be there on my part, correct?

Well, either way, I don't think I can passively accept this way of life anymore. This is my awareness breaking ground. My ultimate epiphany. And I welcome you all to witness my journey, if you haven't already labeled and dismissed me as someone who can't...

Claims Laid Upon Me

So I'm sitting here after 3 cups of coffee and I realize just how many things I've told myself I would do today. Cut to me searching for a pen and a piece of paper to make a to-do list. Then I thought, "I have a perfectly useful blog within reach of my fingertips - Use it!" 

Hence I'm posting my list for all of you to avoid reading. 

-Tweak my blog to suit my taste better. 

-Add links to other blogs and pages of interest.

-Set up a blog for the dear dandelion who is currently housing and nourishing me.

-Further specify my Pandora tastes.

-Listen to the 37 bands on my friend request list to deem them worthy or not of being a friend of mine.

-Find new profiles for the twin and I on myspace.

-Organize the photos I've brought from St. Louis.

-Find and stalk my new friends from San Diego and such.

-Visit with friends from long ago.

-Make 3 random people smile.

**Update as of 10:53 am

MMkay... still working on the musical tastes. Myspace is under construction. Photos are cropped. 1 smile fulfilled. 

Lots more to do. And it doesn't help when I allow myself to get distracted by Facebook applications like Scrabulous... Definitely not good...

Flowers and Coffee.

So much better than flowers and candy. Although I do have some of that with me as well. Hershey's kisses to be exact - and the best part is my dandelion doesn't like chocolate so there is no risk of anyone stealing them. Unless the twin drops by. Then I'm screwed. 

It is currently 8:54 am and I am sitting in a place full of tantalizing smells and sounds. The best place one could go, especially with laptop in hand. A coffee shop with gorgeous baristas of course! We all need a little eye candy every now and then. Today is the day to gather my thoughts and recover from the past 21 years. A large undertaking, maybe, but a noble aspiration all the same. And with the perfect setting, it should be interesting. 

Just trying to save myself from old ways is all. Count on a few good entries today. And savor the flavor because this is a once in a lifetime occurrence folks.

At least until the next great epiphany.

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Or so they say. It's a figure of speech.

In an hour I am driving to the airport. One of my favorite places, but unfortunately you can't live there. At least, that's what i got out of The Terminal. So I am coming home. Joy for me!!!!

See ya'll soon =)

Missouri is Drowning

All the rain we've been getting over the past couple of months - the rain my family SWORE wasn't supposed to last this long? (liars) - doesn't really have anywhere to go, so it's decided to flood the streets of St. Louis. Sadly, the only things obstructed are the casino boats which is probably a good thing for me since I tend to lose things - besides money.

So yeah, packing up my life right now. Everything I own is either in a box in the garage, or in a box on the way to Los Angeles. Besides the photographs around the house, you wouldn't even know I live here - and even those don't resemble me since I look drastically different from what I looked like in high school. Kind of sad.

Oh well, life goes on. My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 6am. You folks in California ready? My flight lands around 11am and I'll be in the lovely San Diego by the afternoon. I'm kind of really really excited. Okay, I'm ecstatic. And not just because of my return to my true home.

I get to be in my first wedding! Well, not my wedding - I mean this is the first wedding I've been asked to be a part of. One of my best friends Jessica is marrying her true love and I get to be the token giant of the wedding party - simply meaning that of course I'm already significantly taller than most, and I adore wearing heels, so yeah. Presto giant! Or giantess. Hm.

But seriously, I was beyond touched that she asked me to be a part of this day for her, and I will definitely post a photograph of the lovely couple post-wedding.

Congrats!

Who knows anymore

So much for that whole "every day" update thing. Oh well. I come home soon. 3 days to be exact. Woo and hoo and all that jazz right?

SO I have said my goodbyes to those that I hold dear here - except the rents of course. That one will definitely be tough. I won't be back until Thanksgiving. That's forever away. Like November. That's like....hold on....I almost got it....5 months!!!!

Wanna read a completely amazing article? I knew you would. Apparently there's a dance floor that generates electricity. Go figure. I thinks it's simply a marvelous idea - why didn't I think of that?

Oh yeah, cause I'm not a super genius.... Go figure - again.


Have a pretty picture. Hope it makes your day better.

Oooh, and I get to hang out with my dandelion soon! Nothing better than coffee and flowers =)

Love ETC...

love: noun, verb (loved, loving) -
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
2. sexual passion or desire
3. an intense emotional attachment

All courtesy of dictionary.com

There. Now that we all understand the possible definitions of the word: I love coffee. And my cat. But mostly coffee.

:)



Another photograph of mine that follows the love theme...


By the by, I am being completely conceited and choosing to believe that my name is in the middle of this, simply interrupted a bit...


And I'm so happy my sister is here visiting me at the moment. My cupcake was all I needed to feel better =)

Sans Pants

First hilarious comment of the day:

Cupcake, cookie and I (the sisters) are sitting in the living room at 1pm - still in pajamas, of course - playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on my super cool old school Nintendo. Cupcake is playing for the first time in years, although this is no excuse...

Me: OH! This is the ice level where you can just slide down and kill all the turtle shell thingies. Just push down! Push down!

Cupcake: I'm trying...ugh...oh come on!

...as she dies by running into the turtle things instead of sliding.

Me: What happened? You were supposed to slide!

Cupcake: I tried! How do you slide?

Me: Push down! I told you!

Cupcake: Oh you mean push the down arrow. You meant the REAL down, not the other down.

... yeah...

2nd funny comment of the day...

Whole family is sitting in the car riding home from a long day of exploring. Mom is complaining about no clean work clothes to Dad and the following conversation follows...

Mom: Honey, will you remind me to do laundry tonight? I need work clothes.

Dad: Well, don't you have enough work clothes for tomorrow and we'll just do laundry later this weekend?

Mom: I have tops but no pants.

Spaz (little brother): Just go to work with NO pants.

Suga' Momma (Mom's Best Friend): Yeah, it's like the half-off sale.

Virtuous Allegations

Last night I was chatting with my good friend Dandelion and in the conversation we started talking about her Introduction to Philosophy course. It's a hybrid online course and only 8 weeks long. Kinda short, and hard to grasp certain things in that time frame, but she happens to be one of those super intelligent, I-work-in-a-coffee-shop, gorgeous types, so of course it works for her. Out of mere curiosity (cause I'm nerdy like that) I asked to check out a few of the thirty, yes I said 30, assignments she is to complete before Sunday. They're just one page, quick synopsis' of ones personal opinion - or philosophy - of a given subject.

So I'm scrolling through the typical topics - humor, ignorance, politics, morals, etc.. -
and I run across a prompt involving justice. Quite the intriguing subject if you ask me. I mean, aside from the obvious connotations of old men sitting on raised benches wearing white, curled wigs and banging gavels, the word has some real meaning that truly affects all of us. Justice isn't just punishing the bad guys and rewarding the good guys. How can it be that simple when we can't even tell who the good guys and bad guys are? Every person has the potential for good AND evil.

Not to mention, aside from our ideas about law administration, justice involves the well being of humans in general, the distribution of monetary wealth and prosperity. I mean, is it more just to follow the traditional application of justice and say "To each his own" and whatever one personally works for and earns belongs to him, and those not willing or unable to earn a significant amount lose out? Or is it more just to take more from those who earn more to give to those who have none. Either way, someone is wronged, left out, or hurting. Then again, this is a very individual way to look at the term. Every society has a history of someone coming forward claiming the communitarian ideal of everyone working for equal shares is more appropriate. Ahem - communism, anyone? And there are some who would argue this is the ideal, regardless of how history has shown us it works. The fact is, no matter how compassionate or sympathetic one is, it is human instinct to protect loved ones before countrymen, and to protect themselves before family, even! How can forcing one to contradict their instincts truly be the answer? It can't.

Justice is in essence a virtue rather than a tool of ethics. Whether derived from the people who bring about societies, or from the institutions created by them, justice is a value taken for granted by some and vainly forever sought after by others.

Ethical arguments have no real answer, of course, and I'm not trying to reach one, just ranting. But food for thought is always appreciated, as is the occasional comment or rebuttal.

Playing Catch Up

I'm just plain behind. You'd think with all the free time I have here in the good ol' midwest there would be a new post every day, maybe even 2 a day. I'm just a slacker at heart I guess. It doesn't help that I was browsing the blog of my lovely new friend Chelsea. I mean, I know she lives quite the life, and I don't exactly have much to report on, but the envy of her skill is simply not going to go away - so I'll use her as a mentor instead. Kudos to you love! Inspire me, oh lovely muse of mine... Wow, a little out there, I know. My apologies, it's quite early for me.

In an effort to post at least every other day, I must catch up my enraptured audience.
After all, how are you to understand my epiphanies and such if you don't know my past, right? Right. Starting... about a week ago. Last Tuesday was my favorite..

Why, you ask? I got to run around playing photographer! My spectacular Aunt Sandy took me to downtown St. Louis by the courthouse, parked the car, and proceeded to follow me as I led the way in a broad and winding tour of the city as most have never traveled. I say this because I'm a ridiculously obsessive person who would normally follow a strict plan of walking in straight lines and such, but this pesky little "Oooh! Shiny!" mentality of mine doesn't cooperate well. It was quite the internal struggle, many lives were lost in the skirmish. Anywho, I'll be posting some proof soon, but don't say I didn't warn you of the mediocrity.

My next exciting outing including my other favorite, Aunt Rochelle. She figured I might like a night on the town while I'm here, and since I am very much without transportation or moolah, she helped me out a bit. First, all three of my aunts and a rather alone uncle of mine took me to this amazing coffee shop/lounge called The Grind. Oh my goodness! Aside from having the most spectacular cake batter ice cream and one heck of an espresso, the setting lends quite the inspiration. It's an old 3-story mansion that was pretty much emptied, painted, and filled with odds and ends of eclectic furniture and over-sized chairs. The upper floor (previously the attic, I suppose) is now a game room with pool tables, a juke box, and old school arcade games; The second floor has a few chess tables, as well as desks for those who need study time; and the bottom floor has free internet and computers. But my favorite part? The addition to the back of the house. You walk all the way back to what should be the back door, and instead you end up in this dark, themed room full of pretty neon lights, soft and luxurious fabrics, and a state of the art bar equipped with its very own DJ. I felt like I was walking into a speakeasy in the 40's and I should have been smoking a long cigarette, twirling my boa. Simply fantastic.

Moving on through the night, after a short nap at home, 2 of my aunts and myself proceeded to grace the Ameristar casino with our presence. Apparently this new nightclub, Home, required some investigation, and who better than us girls? Long story short, we danced the night away, mixed with drinks and the ever amusing random gentlemen, of course, and ended up in the casino diner eating the most amazing steak I've ever tasted in my life - seriously. Something akin to magic went into the making of that steak. Moving on, we left the night off with me passed out on the couch, outfit intact - lol - but only after my aunt dropped her food down the stairs leading to her apartment of course. Amused me.

The next morning, the two of us decided to wake up at 8am - a mere 4 hours after we had gone to sleep. Oh well, why waste a morning? So we traveled to a magical land of art and culture dubbed Forest Park. You can read read about it's history on its very informative website, very interesting history, as it was the site of the 1904 World's Fair and includes, among other things, a zoo, history museum, planetarium, golf course, pavilions, bike paths, etc... But my favorite? The art museum. This museum did the unthinkable and put the ever changing trendy modern works on the 2nd floor, and reserved the main space for the classics and art and sculptures that had proved its worth through years of criticism and weathering. I didn't have my camera with me (boo!) but I plan to return there this week when my little sister comes to visit from California. Joy for family and excuses to visit your favorite places over and over again =) And I wouldn't mind a trip to see the tigers at the zoo either. Oh! and also, everything there is free, which is such a benefit to the youth of St. Louis! Simply amazing!

So my week continues, and to catch you up completely, last night my aunts and mother took me to another of the prominent casinos here to gamble away my $10 at the penny slots. After hours of pushing that button, hitting a high of $17, praying for those tornadoes (on the game of course), having some old lady run over when we screamed and almost explode with anger when she found out it was only $3, cultivating our Texan accents, and flirting with the cocktail waiter, I left with 8 cents more than I came in with. God bless the gamblers. And this time I didn't lose my cell phone. I'd say it was as near perfection as one could get.

Looking back, I'd say this is probably the most I want to type, since this entry is lengthy at this point. So maybe I'll post again today. Probably will actually. I have so much more to say! No more bottling it up, I promise.

Dandelion Snow

So I'm riding in the car the other day while my dad drove me around (happens a lot these days) and we happened to drive past this field/meadow thing. Aside from the fact that I'd never see any substantial amount of green in LA, I was caught off guard. There was this little girl, no more than 6 years old, who was dancing around. And she stooped to pick up a dandelion and proceeded to blow its pieces everywhere. As every girl knows, it's a requirement to do this at least once, in order to see the pieces fly everywhere.

And as the child started to blow some breath on the flower, the world slowed down. Not only did the movements of everyone seem to halt completely, but so did
the objects around me. All of a sudden the rays of sunshine were visible, shining through the clouds that seem to congregate here often. And I could see the path that each individual petal(?) of the flower was going to take. Each unique piece was determined to make it's own way in the world, some floating higher and longer, others more eager to hit the ground and get started on their journey. It was quite a moment of clarity - spectacular and eye-opening all at once.

I live for these moments. You should find one today - you'll be better for it I promise.

And boredom ensues..

So apparently Kiss is a fan of Condoleezza Rice? Go figure. Interesting article.

I'm planning a trip. My friend Morgan and I want to go somewhere, like on a train. Somewhere that takes a day to get there and that we can spend some time hanging out in, running around. San Francisco and Seattle have been suggested. Oh well, we have a couple of weeks. I'll update as I know more. And any suggestions are appreciated =)

People should drive to Missouri to visit me. I'm bored.

*sigh*

Investigation of Intellectual Subjects.. Or Simply Curiosity...

How sad! Sydney Pollack died this week. Great movies. I remember watching that scene in "The Way We Were" where Barbara Streisand calls her husband and tells him that even though they've broken up she really needs someone and if he could just come over... Powerful scene.

So I watched Silence of the Lambs tonight. I am enthralled by the character of Hannibal Lecter. Even though Anthony Hopkins only gets a little more than 15 minutes of screen time, he was voted AFI's most memorable villain. That's quite an accomplishment if you ask me. And I watched it with the siblings, gotta educate them on quality cinema early or they'll end up idolizing 'horror' flicks like Scary Movie - no thank you.

Ooh, I read a book that was simply lying on the fabulous library wall this week. I'd finished reading Bram Stoker's Dracula earlier so I was on quite a vampire streak, and I picked up this young adult novel, The Blood Confession, by Alisa Libby. Aside from the dark subject matter, I adore the way she writes with so much historical credibility. It's basically the story of Countess Elizabeth Bathory, thought to be one of the true inspirations for vampire folklore, from her own perspective after being found out in her sadistic activities. Upon further research, I found the countess is the number one serial killer in recorded history according to number of victims, thought to be 650+. The actual number is unknown, as well as the actual tactics used to torture them. The basics entail her 14th century castle's dungeons being utilized for bleedings of young peasant girls. Legend further implies the blood was used by Elizabeth (Erszebet in Hungarian, where her family castle was located, now modern day Slovakia) as a beauty agent, along with the belief that if bathed in, the blood could actually transfer the beneficial qualities and physical beauty of the person bled. I found myself disgusted, yet intrigued. Envy is a dangerous feeling, and it drives women to take drastic measures - especially in Ms. Bathory's case.

Something to be wary of, ladies.

Ok, geek time over for the night.

Ramblings of the morning/night.

Vulnerability is simply breathtaking.

21 and Invincible

Currently located in the kitchen, I've decided to make macaroni & cheese. Partially cause I love it, and partially cause it's the easiest thing to make for the siblings and I - parent date night. I poured myself a smidgen of wine to help in tasting the pasta and my mind immediately drifted.

I'm feeling very contemplative. Maybe nostalgic is a better word. Then again, maybe analytical is more suited... Either way, I've been thinking - I know, always a bad thing. And the majority of my thoughts have been about old times. Just thinking about the past couple of years and how I got to where I am today... blah blah blah.

Today was 'spring cleaning' day. Upon waking up, I proceeded to drag each and every packed-to-the-brim box into my living room, along with everything I'd already unpacked - basically everything I own. So I start organizing things into piles (this is what I do best) and I finally hit the bottom of the last box. As I finally took a second to look around, I was disappointed. Every single material object in my life fit in one room, more specifically, on the dining room table. Mind you, it's a large table that seats 8, but still. The extent of my influence, my footprint, if you will, was so insignificant compared to those I surround myself with.

I can't tell you how many people I have helped move or organize who had enough things in their one room to overflow a 3000 sq. foot house. I mean, I know material possessions aren't an indicator of much, and most probably envy the lack of clutter I maintain. But seriously? I'm probably throwing a fit and tantrum, but as for me? I'd like to feel like I am leaving an imprint of myself on this world. Oh well, hopefully someday I'll design a building that's nice and showy and has a HUGE imprint - metaphorically speaking, of course. I would be quite the anti-green architect if I really made the largest building possible just cause...

And while I was sifting through my things, sorting and throwing things away, passing things on to my little sister, and setting items aside for the salvation army (which - by the way - everyone should do cause it's a good deed and helps out a lot of unfortunate people) I took a small trip down memory lane. I've been through a lot these past few years.. Forget high school, let's even skip 18. I've moved a total of 6 times, in four years. I've worked in 5 different restaurants, lived with friends and co-workers, as well as family, gone back to school after a 3 year break, and disappointed a hell of a lot of people in the process. You can imagine the amount of people that entails. It's no secret that I get to know people quickly, and that means numerous connections were created, whether or not they were treated appropriately.

All in all, I'll spare you the "now I see all of my mistakes and those I took for granted" speech. Just, for those of you still here, know that I have seen MOST of my mistakes, and I DO realize how many of you I took for granted. It's been a rough growing up and so many people helped make sure that happened the way it was supposed to - more or less.

Alright, enough with the sappy lamentations. I'm ready to go back to California now! I know I have a month to go, just wanna be prepared. Until then, I'm just living 21 and invincible...

Angles

Well, on Wednesday morning, I dragged my butt outta bed around... 8am. That's about 6am my time, by the way. Why? Cause I decided that I wanted to be an architecture interested person and visit a nearby residence in Kirkwood, MO that was designed by none other than Frank Lloyd Wright, the all American architect.

So mi madre and I arrive at the parking lot that the tour group is meeting in, and arrive to find our mates for the day are years past getting discounts on pancakes at IHOP before 4pm - senior citizens. Then again, who else attends historical society events in the middle of the day?

Well, anyways, the pictures pretty much say it all for me. His mind is an interesting one, but not my favorite. I'll find a building that intrigues me more and post about that one later.

peace.

A Summer in St. Louis

St. Louis...












... "Gateway to the West", the STL, the "Mound City", the Home of the Cardinals, and...

...the place I have been banished to for the next 6 weeks of my life. Well, maybe banished is too strong of a word. After all, it's not that bad here. Actually, I am quite enjoying the culture. Between the baseball games at a beautiful new stadium, the green things EVERYWHERE, and the immense amount of family I never realized existed, I'm actually loving the time spent here.
Updates will ensue. Stay Tuned...

Unpredictability and chocolate.

So I've been rather busy tonight. Er... this morning. Just to warn you I'm rather ADD at the moment. Bear with me...

Found my future kitchen...thingies... I'm totally gonna find some kid to draw me a picture to make my kitchen cabinets out of. Anyone have a kid I can borrow?

I organized my bookmarks too. So I can find everything without having to type it all in. So much effort!

Oohhh,and I checked out my friend, Bethany's photography. She's freaking amazing! I wish I had the eye to capture emotion like she does. You really feel what she's witnessing, especially with my best friend and his girlfriend, Tim & Shannon.

Made a never ending, always changing list of things I want to accomplish eventually. Some true, others not. Some sooner, others later. Some plausible, others not so plausible. Whatever. They're on the right - I especially love # 23.

I think everyone should follow this guy - Geoff Manaugh. He wrote a blog entry that encompasses everything I've ever felt about Los Angeles, and more. Props to Geoff.

Discovered this website called LibraryThing.com and fell in love immediately. Allows me to catalog my library and tag/review/share accordingly. I adore books! Check out my library if you wish.

Mmmm, and I am officially addicted to Scrabble on Facebook. Challenge me: I suck and I need practice.

By the by - I'm streaming live now, on Twitter that is. Follow me, my minions.

Food for thought

"We live on a curious diet of harmlessness alternating with catastrophe."
- Rem Koolhaas, "In Search of Authenticity," in The Endless City, edited by Ricky Burdett and Deyan Sudjic (Phaidon, 2008).

the journey home...

As I gripped the armrest during the turbulence and storm on the flight to St. Louis, I found myself getting a little emotional. I hadn't seen my family for at least a month, 3 for my mother. And although California was calling my name as that surf and sand covered land tends to do, I still couldn't wait to get off the plane and see the people I tried so hard to get away from as a teenager. The guy in the seat next to me kept looking over at me out of the corner of his eyes - probably thought I was crazy, I'm sure I kept mumbling something incoherent.
The first plane to Phoenix wasn't this bad. I had a seat mate who not only talked to me but held an intellectually stimulating conversation with me - go figure. I was pleasantly surprised to find I'm not the only one who likes to talk to strangers. At least I was distracted from what was going on in my mind...
So, I got off the plane in one piece, bought myself a hot coffee, since of course it was raining, and sat down to read my book. An hour later, I got on the plane, and three hours later I was right back to where I began this rant.

By the time I got off the plane and saw the siblings, the emotional moment had passed. I was happy and excited and gave my daddy a kiss on the cheek, tickled my brother a little, and held my sisters hand as we walked out of the airport.

It's good to be home.

The Mixed Tape

Has anyone ever wondered what happened to the mixed tape (or in our generation's case - the mixed cd or iPod playlist)? I found myself wanting to craft one of these fickle creations last night, and found that it isn't quite as easy as it might sound...

So of course the first thing I did was look it up. I found out as much history as I could about this long lost art, as well as the many lists of rules that others have been so kind as to post on the world wide web. Basically all of them say the same three things: (1) think about your audience; (2) mix it up with the genre, artist, and tempo; and (3) always consider the first and last song - most important!

Now that I had my rules to work by I figured out all of the variables, and here's what I got:
(1) The Mixed Tape by Jack's Mannequin (how cliche, i know)
(2) What I Like About You by Lillix
(3) I Caught Fire by The Used
(4) El Scorcho by Weezer
(5) Falling For You by Ronnie Day
(6) Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
(7) Wonderwall by Cartel
(8) Heels Over Head by Boys Like Girls
(9) There Is by Boxcar Racer
(10) Sitting, Waiting, Wishing by Jack Johnson
(11) Sewn by The Feeling
(12) Down With You by Ellie Lawson
(13) Vienna by Billy Joel
(14) Thirteen by Ben Kweller
(15) Song For A Friend by Jason Mraz
(16) Hear Me Out by Frou Frou
(17) The Nicest Thing by Kate Nash
(18) Love Song by Sara Bareilles
(19) Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
(20) Tangled Up In Me by Skye Sweetnam

So yeah.. fruits of my labor - not too bad for a first pass. It'll definitely need some tweaking, but I'll get there.. Later kids.

Architecture

Have you ever doubted that which is supposed to be untouchable?

The one thing that is deemed indestructible in your life should never be threatened. 

Architecture is my thing. It needs to be safe again. Untouchable. Indestructible.

...At least for now. 

God save us.

Indifference

So I feel like I have so much to say. Yet I sit down and stare at the flickering computer screen and draw a blank - with words (or lack thereof). How can I describe this feeling to you and be sure you understand it? I know my vocabulary isn't quite as elementary as it appears right now, and I've been known to convey my idea to another convincingly on more than one previous occasion - so what's the deal?

It's like...

...drawing a figure from memory or your imagination, and pausing at that intense line that forms the foundation for the rest of the creation. Or..

...raising your hand in class to ask that specific question that would clear up everything for everyone, and then stuttering with embarrassment when the teacher directs the entire class' attention to you, causing you to completely forget the topic of the query in the first place - not that it matters at that point. Or..

...turning on the TV because you remember that you wanted to watch something at three o'clock, and then finding you don't quite recollect exactly what it was.

And as I review what I've just written, I find it still doesn't hit home. It's like being sure there is one word that can portray precisely what you mean in the least time possible, and feeling it on the tip of your tongue - maybe even knowing what letter it starts with - and still struggling for hours, maybe even days, if you are as obsessive as I am.

~tangent: I just noticed I'm a fan of commas and run-on sentences. Forgive me.~

Well, I guess this random rambling will have to do for now. Eventually I will have something important to say (or write). The question now is: who will have hung on long enough to read it?

Polaroid

I love photography. Enough said. Peace.

One Way Ticket

I have a one way plane ticket to St. Louis.

Not that I'm not coming back.. I mean, of course I'm coming back for school next fall. I just don't know when I'm coming back, if it's gonna be mid-summer, or in August like everyone else. It's a bittersweet feeling - one way I get to spend the summer with my amazing family (I miss my mom) and the other I get to enjoy California without being in school at the same time. Either way, someone gets left behind. At the moment I think family is more important, but what happens when you start to think of school as your home and peers as your family?

How do you decide?

In my case, you make a pro/con list. That's right - your break out the pencil and the sharpener (pen if you're confident) and some lined paper, maybe even a ruler, and you start your list. It's very simple, yet so very effective...

So who won? You'll just have to wait and see I guess... :)

Mantra

So this is the person that I've become through all of the strife, the pain, the happiness, the joy, the innumerable blessings, the let-downs, the surprises, and everything else in between. I like to view this at-times-satisfying life with a glass half full in one hand and a guide to aesthetics in the other. I believe that while even your best friend will occasionally let you down, those are the best moments of your life because those experiences strengthen you so you can easily dismiss other hurts as if they were nothing. Because in comparison, they are nothing.

Enough with the silly life lessons already. We live in this world consisting of so many vast stretches of art, yet we simply pass by so consumed with our own trivial worries, as if they will mean anything in one weeks' time. We fail to pay the artists responsible for the absolute & pure brilliance the respect they most definitely have earned, through the simple fact that they are ingenious by nature.

Why do we not see the hours of thought and imagination that goes into each edifice, each canvas, each thin piece of shield we clothe ourselves with each morning? Why cannot we appreciate that which we have been so blessed to experience, and not only fail to pay dues, but actively and aggressively ignore, like we are some race of moronic imbeciles. Well, if you cannot handle being ridiculed, you may be the very ones I speak of, so choose your offenses wisely.

Why listen to the ramblings of one who falls so easily for the pleasing. Throw something my way which is coated in a wispy thin shell of hope and I swoon at your feet. Don't call it naivete, please, for I cannot stand that word in comparison with my thoughts. Simply attribute it to my own little Cinderella complex, or maybe just this funny little thing called optimism.

Maybe I am the insanity in your midst, the incomprehensible in your mind, the eyelash in your eye, if you please - but maybe it is you who does not really see. Lift the veil of political correction and years of mindless training and view the world for what it really is. An ironic metaphor. A masquerade you can choose to disregard, or that you can truly embrace. Choose your own mask from the pre-selected pickings if you will. I think I'll make my own, incorporating my very own rose tinted glasses.