Deeper Trenches Lie Beneath

The twin is moving. 

She just returned from a long visit to her friends in Oregon and sat down with Dandelion and I to inform us that being there changed so much about her perspective on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness and she's moving there. She's going to live with a friend's family, work at a preschool, and enjoy life out of the fast lane. 

This really is a bittersweet decision - for me, I mean. 

First, I'm ecstatic that she is getting out of the desert. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but when you find the friends and groups we have up here, you kind of get really settled in and don't want to leave. This is fine if you are where you're going to be for the rest of your life (figuratively) but is not so good if there's more out of life you need to get to. She made the decision all alone as well. This is something we have all had a tough time accomplishing in our little group, and we'll ask everybody else what they think we should do instead of deciding for ourselves. But not this time. She did this without the help of anyone else, and I'm so proud of her for it.

I'm just sad about her going so far, that's all. Pertaining to distance, it's not that far. I just know that I can't even spare time to visit my friends and family who live mere hours away, so how will I ever have time to see her? 

A lot of this shone some much needed light and perspective on a deeper issue, though. I really am alone in Los Angeles. Not like I don't have anyone to turn to for help, or friends. I have an amazing support system filled with lots and lots of love. I just mean that my actual family is so far away, and friends are great, but they have no obligation to me and need to do what's right for their own lives, not think about mine. 

So this is what growing up feels like, huh? Well, I'm not gonna say it's not a brick in the face, but it's real at least. And I pledged to start paying attention and to start feeling what's real, no matter how inconvenient it is for me.

Ouch.

Redundance

I need a new hobby. 

I've read all of my books and have found that by completing one book I will inevitably find a(n) author/subject/genre that inspires a need to read at least 5 more books. This is not healthy. Or helpful to my financial position in life. And who reads library books anyways? Not me. I hate it when they yell at me with those sophisticated glasses and mean voices that never seem to rise above a whisper. I just like to write in the margins, nothing more. Geez, you'd think they would appreciate my opinions while reading.

Drawing gets old when you've sketched the same flat desert scene and tumbleweed 17 times. Plus it gives me an excuse when my studio professors say my drawing doesn't convey my idea convincingly enough. 

The internet has so much to offer that it is therefore useless to me unless I know EXACTLY what I want to look up or learn about.

I've read so many blogs that I now know I am officially the worst writer ever to grace our screens.

Exercise. Ha. You're funny.

And for some reason, every time I try to talk to a stranger figuring I'll make a new friend, they do this sketchy looking around thing and often check their phones and watches saying, "Oh look at that! I've gotta go." and then jump in their cars locking their doors quite obviously... How rude.

Third post of the day. This is pathetic. Somebody incapacitate me.

Glamorous Jade - Party of One

I've spent a couple days with my best friend Dandelion now and I adore being with her because she makes me think. The first time I met her - before even asking her name - I said "You smile a lot. I like you. (turning to my other best friend) Can we adopt her?" I was under the mistaken impression that just because she was younger she would be almost like a younger version of us, or maybe she'd learn or grow into our little mold we had worked so long to create. 

But I was mistaken. She is the wisest of my friends, quite possibly the wisest of anyone I know - regardless of age. And it continually amazes me how genuine she can be. When she looks at you it's like everyone else is peering through a thin sheet of tainted or judgmental fabric and she's the only one without it. She speaks her mind without censor, yet is never mean or rude. And her craving to learn more inspires you to always search for more.

Honesty and innocent looks create the world you enter when you meet this darling woman. And in my attempt to become a better person I have placed her in my collection of those I look up to. Just proves age is truly a number. Check her out here. You'll see what I mean.

My Epiphany

Have you ever had a moment where you simply come to the conclusion that, regardless of how you truly feel about yourself, that's what you got, what you're stuck with? I have.

I came to the realization that no matter how much I don't want to be some things, or how much I wish I were others, some things in life are non-negotiable. Like life has this 'no returns' policy, with or without receipt. For example: No matter how much I want to be calm and shy instead of loud and obnoxious , I can't. It doesn't matter if I want it because of some dire necessity like my mother can't be around crazy chaos and madness constantly and I need to change the way I am in order to take care of her and be around her, or if I simply wish I wasn't so crazy for some selfish reasons like wanting to make someone like me more or not wanting to stand out and be known as 'that girl'. Either way, it's not a viable option for me. I can try as much as I might, and I'd probably pull it off for a bit. But the moment something happens that makes me truly happy, like seeing a friend for the first time after months of separation and life, I can't mask that bubbly, bouncy, fast-talking, spaz of a girl that I am. It's just me. And I like it. Except when it causes others to feel uncomfortable.

And it's the same for what I wish I was. Sometimes it's superficial - wanting to be a little bit shorter so I'm not the giant or the one that people notice first; wanting to be the sweet girl that people say is TOO nice; wanting to be the person with the potential, not the one who learns everything from books. I can't change the inherent qualities about myself. 

Besides. The majority of these things are based off of other people's impressions. And I have NEVER been one to care about what others think of me or perceive me as. No - actually that isn't true. I always care what other people think, but when I can't do anything about it, why try? I mean, according to about 99% of the people I have met in my lifetime, I leave one of two impressions upon first meetings: I'm either a mean and sarcastic witch, or I'm a naive and innocent ditz who cares more about matching colors and how sparkly my makeup is than about important issues of the world. And both of these have some thread of truth to them. There are moments where I say the first thing that comes to mind and it's something inherently mean - even if honest - or rude; or when I give my appearance a bit too much credit and focus on that rather than something more beneficial. But as even the most basic and simple of beings often feel misunderstood or wronged every now and then, can't everyone just get that I'm so much more than what I appear to be? 

I guess everyone feels misunderstood and alone, right? Everyone is deeper than anyone else can see and if only they could find that one person to just accept them and believe in all the qualities that aren't obvious, yes? I'm not looking for this. I'm happy being who I am with or without others. And I don't suffer under the delusion that I am unique in this rant or ideal; I just don't know anyone else who comes with a disclaimer. When the people who know and love you have to warn other newbies that while you may appear 'insert negative quality here' upon first impression, that you aren't and they should keep their minds open to fully understand you, there is a sense of real world understanding that must not be there on my part, correct?

Well, either way, I don't think I can passively accept this way of life anymore. This is my awareness breaking ground. My ultimate epiphany. And I welcome you all to witness my journey, if you haven't already labeled and dismissed me as someone who can't...

Claims Laid Upon Me

So I'm sitting here after 3 cups of coffee and I realize just how many things I've told myself I would do today. Cut to me searching for a pen and a piece of paper to make a to-do list. Then I thought, "I have a perfectly useful blog within reach of my fingertips - Use it!" 

Hence I'm posting my list for all of you to avoid reading. 

-Tweak my blog to suit my taste better. 

-Add links to other blogs and pages of interest.

-Set up a blog for the dear dandelion who is currently housing and nourishing me.

-Further specify my Pandora tastes.

-Listen to the 37 bands on my friend request list to deem them worthy or not of being a friend of mine.

-Find new profiles for the twin and I on myspace.

-Organize the photos I've brought from St. Louis.

-Find and stalk my new friends from San Diego and such.

-Visit with friends from long ago.

-Make 3 random people smile.

**Update as of 10:53 am

MMkay... still working on the musical tastes. Myspace is under construction. Photos are cropped. 1 smile fulfilled. 

Lots more to do. And it doesn't help when I allow myself to get distracted by Facebook applications like Scrabulous... Definitely not good...

Flowers and Coffee.

So much better than flowers and candy. Although I do have some of that with me as well. Hershey's kisses to be exact - and the best part is my dandelion doesn't like chocolate so there is no risk of anyone stealing them. Unless the twin drops by. Then I'm screwed. 

It is currently 8:54 am and I am sitting in a place full of tantalizing smells and sounds. The best place one could go, especially with laptop in hand. A coffee shop with gorgeous baristas of course! We all need a little eye candy every now and then. Today is the day to gather my thoughts and recover from the past 21 years. A large undertaking, maybe, but a noble aspiration all the same. And with the perfect setting, it should be interesting. 

Just trying to save myself from old ways is all. Count on a few good entries today. And savor the flavor because this is a once in a lifetime occurrence folks.

At least until the next great epiphany.

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Or so they say. It's a figure of speech.

In an hour I am driving to the airport. One of my favorite places, but unfortunately you can't live there. At least, that's what i got out of The Terminal. So I am coming home. Joy for me!!!!

See ya'll soon =)

Missouri is Drowning

All the rain we've been getting over the past couple of months - the rain my family SWORE wasn't supposed to last this long? (liars) - doesn't really have anywhere to go, so it's decided to flood the streets of St. Louis. Sadly, the only things obstructed are the casino boats which is probably a good thing for me since I tend to lose things - besides money.

So yeah, packing up my life right now. Everything I own is either in a box in the garage, or in a box on the way to Los Angeles. Besides the photographs around the house, you wouldn't even know I live here - and even those don't resemble me since I look drastically different from what I looked like in high school. Kind of sad.

Oh well, life goes on. My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 6am. You folks in California ready? My flight lands around 11am and I'll be in the lovely San Diego by the afternoon. I'm kind of really really excited. Okay, I'm ecstatic. And not just because of my return to my true home.

I get to be in my first wedding! Well, not my wedding - I mean this is the first wedding I've been asked to be a part of. One of my best friends Jessica is marrying her true love and I get to be the token giant of the wedding party - simply meaning that of course I'm already significantly taller than most, and I adore wearing heels, so yeah. Presto giant! Or giantess. Hm.

But seriously, I was beyond touched that she asked me to be a part of this day for her, and I will definitely post a photograph of the lovely couple post-wedding.

Congrats!

Who knows anymore

So much for that whole "every day" update thing. Oh well. I come home soon. 3 days to be exact. Woo and hoo and all that jazz right?

SO I have said my goodbyes to those that I hold dear here - except the rents of course. That one will definitely be tough. I won't be back until Thanksgiving. That's forever away. Like November. That's like....hold on....I almost got it....5 months!!!!

Wanna read a completely amazing article? I knew you would. Apparently there's a dance floor that generates electricity. Go figure. I thinks it's simply a marvelous idea - why didn't I think of that?

Oh yeah, cause I'm not a super genius.... Go figure - again.


Have a pretty picture. Hope it makes your day better.

Oooh, and I get to hang out with my dandelion soon! Nothing better than coffee and flowers =)

Love ETC...

love: noun, verb (loved, loving) -
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
2. sexual passion or desire
3. an intense emotional attachment

All courtesy of dictionary.com

There. Now that we all understand the possible definitions of the word: I love coffee. And my cat. But mostly coffee.

:)



Another photograph of mine that follows the love theme...


By the by, I am being completely conceited and choosing to believe that my name is in the middle of this, simply interrupted a bit...


And I'm so happy my sister is here visiting me at the moment. My cupcake was all I needed to feel better =)

Sans Pants

First hilarious comment of the day:

Cupcake, cookie and I (the sisters) are sitting in the living room at 1pm - still in pajamas, of course - playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on my super cool old school Nintendo. Cupcake is playing for the first time in years, although this is no excuse...

Me: OH! This is the ice level where you can just slide down and kill all the turtle shell thingies. Just push down! Push down!

Cupcake: I'm trying...ugh...oh come on!

...as she dies by running into the turtle things instead of sliding.

Me: What happened? You were supposed to slide!

Cupcake: I tried! How do you slide?

Me: Push down! I told you!

Cupcake: Oh you mean push the down arrow. You meant the REAL down, not the other down.

... yeah...

2nd funny comment of the day...

Whole family is sitting in the car riding home from a long day of exploring. Mom is complaining about no clean work clothes to Dad and the following conversation follows...

Mom: Honey, will you remind me to do laundry tonight? I need work clothes.

Dad: Well, don't you have enough work clothes for tomorrow and we'll just do laundry later this weekend?

Mom: I have tops but no pants.

Spaz (little brother): Just go to work with NO pants.

Suga' Momma (Mom's Best Friend): Yeah, it's like the half-off sale.

Virtuous Allegations

Last night I was chatting with my good friend Dandelion and in the conversation we started talking about her Introduction to Philosophy course. It's a hybrid online course and only 8 weeks long. Kinda short, and hard to grasp certain things in that time frame, but she happens to be one of those super intelligent, I-work-in-a-coffee-shop, gorgeous types, so of course it works for her. Out of mere curiosity (cause I'm nerdy like that) I asked to check out a few of the thirty, yes I said 30, assignments she is to complete before Sunday. They're just one page, quick synopsis' of ones personal opinion - or philosophy - of a given subject.

So I'm scrolling through the typical topics - humor, ignorance, politics, morals, etc.. -
and I run across a prompt involving justice. Quite the intriguing subject if you ask me. I mean, aside from the obvious connotations of old men sitting on raised benches wearing white, curled wigs and banging gavels, the word has some real meaning that truly affects all of us. Justice isn't just punishing the bad guys and rewarding the good guys. How can it be that simple when we can't even tell who the good guys and bad guys are? Every person has the potential for good AND evil.

Not to mention, aside from our ideas about law administration, justice involves the well being of humans in general, the distribution of monetary wealth and prosperity. I mean, is it more just to follow the traditional application of justice and say "To each his own" and whatever one personally works for and earns belongs to him, and those not willing or unable to earn a significant amount lose out? Or is it more just to take more from those who earn more to give to those who have none. Either way, someone is wronged, left out, or hurting. Then again, this is a very individual way to look at the term. Every society has a history of someone coming forward claiming the communitarian ideal of everyone working for equal shares is more appropriate. Ahem - communism, anyone? And there are some who would argue this is the ideal, regardless of how history has shown us it works. The fact is, no matter how compassionate or sympathetic one is, it is human instinct to protect loved ones before countrymen, and to protect themselves before family, even! How can forcing one to contradict their instincts truly be the answer? It can't.

Justice is in essence a virtue rather than a tool of ethics. Whether derived from the people who bring about societies, or from the institutions created by them, justice is a value taken for granted by some and vainly forever sought after by others.

Ethical arguments have no real answer, of course, and I'm not trying to reach one, just ranting. But food for thought is always appreciated, as is the occasional comment or rebuttal.

Playing Catch Up

I'm just plain behind. You'd think with all the free time I have here in the good ol' midwest there would be a new post every day, maybe even 2 a day. I'm just a slacker at heart I guess. It doesn't help that I was browsing the blog of my lovely new friend Chelsea. I mean, I know she lives quite the life, and I don't exactly have much to report on, but the envy of her skill is simply not going to go away - so I'll use her as a mentor instead. Kudos to you love! Inspire me, oh lovely muse of mine... Wow, a little out there, I know. My apologies, it's quite early for me.

In an effort to post at least every other day, I must catch up my enraptured audience.
After all, how are you to understand my epiphanies and such if you don't know my past, right? Right. Starting... about a week ago. Last Tuesday was my favorite..

Why, you ask? I got to run around playing photographer! My spectacular Aunt Sandy took me to downtown St. Louis by the courthouse, parked the car, and proceeded to follow me as I led the way in a broad and winding tour of the city as most have never traveled. I say this because I'm a ridiculously obsessive person who would normally follow a strict plan of walking in straight lines and such, but this pesky little "Oooh! Shiny!" mentality of mine doesn't cooperate well. It was quite the internal struggle, many lives were lost in the skirmish. Anywho, I'll be posting some proof soon, but don't say I didn't warn you of the mediocrity.

My next exciting outing including my other favorite, Aunt Rochelle. She figured I might like a night on the town while I'm here, and since I am very much without transportation or moolah, she helped me out a bit. First, all three of my aunts and a rather alone uncle of mine took me to this amazing coffee shop/lounge called The Grind. Oh my goodness! Aside from having the most spectacular cake batter ice cream and one heck of an espresso, the setting lends quite the inspiration. It's an old 3-story mansion that was pretty much emptied, painted, and filled with odds and ends of eclectic furniture and over-sized chairs. The upper floor (previously the attic, I suppose) is now a game room with pool tables, a juke box, and old school arcade games; The second floor has a few chess tables, as well as desks for those who need study time; and the bottom floor has free internet and computers. But my favorite part? The addition to the back of the house. You walk all the way back to what should be the back door, and instead you end up in this dark, themed room full of pretty neon lights, soft and luxurious fabrics, and a state of the art bar equipped with its very own DJ. I felt like I was walking into a speakeasy in the 40's and I should have been smoking a long cigarette, twirling my boa. Simply fantastic.

Moving on through the night, after a short nap at home, 2 of my aunts and myself proceeded to grace the Ameristar casino with our presence. Apparently this new nightclub, Home, required some investigation, and who better than us girls? Long story short, we danced the night away, mixed with drinks and the ever amusing random gentlemen, of course, and ended up in the casino diner eating the most amazing steak I've ever tasted in my life - seriously. Something akin to magic went into the making of that steak. Moving on, we left the night off with me passed out on the couch, outfit intact - lol - but only after my aunt dropped her food down the stairs leading to her apartment of course. Amused me.

The next morning, the two of us decided to wake up at 8am - a mere 4 hours after we had gone to sleep. Oh well, why waste a morning? So we traveled to a magical land of art and culture dubbed Forest Park. You can read read about it's history on its very informative website, very interesting history, as it was the site of the 1904 World's Fair and includes, among other things, a zoo, history museum, planetarium, golf course, pavilions, bike paths, etc... But my favorite? The art museum. This museum did the unthinkable and put the ever changing trendy modern works on the 2nd floor, and reserved the main space for the classics and art and sculptures that had proved its worth through years of criticism and weathering. I didn't have my camera with me (boo!) but I plan to return there this week when my little sister comes to visit from California. Joy for family and excuses to visit your favorite places over and over again =) And I wouldn't mind a trip to see the tigers at the zoo either. Oh! and also, everything there is free, which is such a benefit to the youth of St. Louis! Simply amazing!

So my week continues, and to catch you up completely, last night my aunts and mother took me to another of the prominent casinos here to gamble away my $10 at the penny slots. After hours of pushing that button, hitting a high of $17, praying for those tornadoes (on the game of course), having some old lady run over when we screamed and almost explode with anger when she found out it was only $3, cultivating our Texan accents, and flirting with the cocktail waiter, I left with 8 cents more than I came in with. God bless the gamblers. And this time I didn't lose my cell phone. I'd say it was as near perfection as one could get.

Looking back, I'd say this is probably the most I want to type, since this entry is lengthy at this point. So maybe I'll post again today. Probably will actually. I have so much more to say! No more bottling it up, I promise.

Dandelion Snow

So I'm riding in the car the other day while my dad drove me around (happens a lot these days) and we happened to drive past this field/meadow thing. Aside from the fact that I'd never see any substantial amount of green in LA, I was caught off guard. There was this little girl, no more than 6 years old, who was dancing around. And she stooped to pick up a dandelion and proceeded to blow its pieces everywhere. As every girl knows, it's a requirement to do this at least once, in order to see the pieces fly everywhere.

And as the child started to blow some breath on the flower, the world slowed down. Not only did the movements of everyone seem to halt completely, but so did
the objects around me. All of a sudden the rays of sunshine were visible, shining through the clouds that seem to congregate here often. And I could see the path that each individual petal(?) of the flower was going to take. Each unique piece was determined to make it's own way in the world, some floating higher and longer, others more eager to hit the ground and get started on their journey. It was quite a moment of clarity - spectacular and eye-opening all at once.

I live for these moments. You should find one today - you'll be better for it I promise.