My Epiphany

Have you ever had a moment where you simply come to the conclusion that, regardless of how you truly feel about yourself, that's what you got, what you're stuck with? I have.

I came to the realization that no matter how much I don't want to be some things, or how much I wish I were others, some things in life are non-negotiable. Like life has this 'no returns' policy, with or without receipt. For example: No matter how much I want to be calm and shy instead of loud and obnoxious , I can't. It doesn't matter if I want it because of some dire necessity like my mother can't be around crazy chaos and madness constantly and I need to change the way I am in order to take care of her and be around her, or if I simply wish I wasn't so crazy for some selfish reasons like wanting to make someone like me more or not wanting to stand out and be known as 'that girl'. Either way, it's not a viable option for me. I can try as much as I might, and I'd probably pull it off for a bit. But the moment something happens that makes me truly happy, like seeing a friend for the first time after months of separation and life, I can't mask that bubbly, bouncy, fast-talking, spaz of a girl that I am. It's just me. And I like it. Except when it causes others to feel uncomfortable.

And it's the same for what I wish I was. Sometimes it's superficial - wanting to be a little bit shorter so I'm not the giant or the one that people notice first; wanting to be the sweet girl that people say is TOO nice; wanting to be the person with the potential, not the one who learns everything from books. I can't change the inherent qualities about myself. 

Besides. The majority of these things are based off of other people's impressions. And I have NEVER been one to care about what others think of me or perceive me as. No - actually that isn't true. I always care what other people think, but when I can't do anything about it, why try? I mean, according to about 99% of the people I have met in my lifetime, I leave one of two impressions upon first meetings: I'm either a mean and sarcastic witch, or I'm a naive and innocent ditz who cares more about matching colors and how sparkly my makeup is than about important issues of the world. And both of these have some thread of truth to them. There are moments where I say the first thing that comes to mind and it's something inherently mean - even if honest - or rude; or when I give my appearance a bit too much credit and focus on that rather than something more beneficial. But as even the most basic and simple of beings often feel misunderstood or wronged every now and then, can't everyone just get that I'm so much more than what I appear to be? 

I guess everyone feels misunderstood and alone, right? Everyone is deeper than anyone else can see and if only they could find that one person to just accept them and believe in all the qualities that aren't obvious, yes? I'm not looking for this. I'm happy being who I am with or without others. And I don't suffer under the delusion that I am unique in this rant or ideal; I just don't know anyone else who comes with a disclaimer. When the people who know and love you have to warn other newbies that while you may appear 'insert negative quality here' upon first impression, that you aren't and they should keep their minds open to fully understand you, there is a sense of real world understanding that must not be there on my part, correct?

Well, either way, I don't think I can passively accept this way of life anymore. This is my awareness breaking ground. My ultimate epiphany. And I welcome you all to witness my journey, if you haven't already labeled and dismissed me as someone who can't...